Expectations
Expectations are important to everyone’s life and they’re a natural part of who we are.
Expectations are what we dream in; they keep us motivated, and like a compass in the dark, they guide us through unknown territory.
Expectations are also fantasies, depicting how we view the future and what we want out of it. And, believe it or not, most of our frustrations stem from our expectations being wrong.
For example, picture your boss telling you at the beginning work that you get to go home three hours early. Then, right before you leave your boss says he’s sorry and asks you to stay for another two hours to help finish a few things. How would this make you feel?
Now, picture your boss instead telling you at the beginning of the day that you get to go home an hour early. How will this make you feel?
Both of these examples give you the same one-hour off but one will make you a lot happier than the other.
So why is there such a difference between these two situations when the outcome is the same? You see, when we expect something and it happens we unconsciously reinforce a belief that our expectations can tell the future. The more our expectations come true the more we reinforce this idea.
The problem with thinking this way is that our expectations have nothing to do with the future because expectations are based completely on past experiences. They tell us what we think will happen and what we want to happen. When our expectations are wrong and we have a reinforced belief that they should be right we get frustrated. The real problem in this situation is our expectations.
Going back to the example above, we can see that being told you get three hours off will give you the expectation that you get three hours off. In reality you only got one hour off. This is frustrating because your expectations were wrong. They were wrong because your boss decided reality, not your expectations. Because your boss caused your expectations to be wrong it’s easy to blame him for your frustration.
Now imagine that the boss didn’t say anything that morning and you had to work the whole day. This will give you another hour of work but won’t cause you any frustration because it met your expectations.
This example shows that it’s not the time off that really matters it’s the expectations.
Next time you get frustrated with something think about your expectations. If we can control and understand our expectations we will be much happier.
Relationships
A healthy relationship with another person is one of the best things you can have in life. It’s what puts a smile on my face every morning as I get out of bed. And, the reason I can’t wait to get back home each day.
Relationships are built on a foundation strengthened by love, respect and open communication.
When our relationships head the right direction (our expectations are correct) it can be nirvana but when they don’t (misguided expectations) disaster can hit. So why does this happen? While there are many reasons to pick from, the underlying reason is usually misguided expectations.
When we go into a situation with our lover we usually have expectations of how things will turn out and what to expect. Little expectation differences are always going to happen but it’s the long term ones that are the most important to prevent. For example: where should we live? Should we have kids? How many?
Long-term expectations are the easiest to misinterpret because they’re always changing. As we change so do our partners. If a situation arises and we both have expectations that are based on the past there is going to be frustration and problems. This can cause us to blame our partners for our misguided expectations.
The problem isn’t that we have changed, but rather, that the expectations haven’t. So, how can we know what to expect from our partners when all of our expectations are based on the past? The simple answer is we can’t.
Change is inevitable but by knowing the changes as they come we can avoid many unnecessary obstacles and strengthen our relationship.
There are really only two ways to know what changes your partner is going through. We can wait for a problem to arrive to update our expectations, or we can be preventative and have our partners tell us.
The most important thing to think about here is making this a positive, open learning experience. Here’s a simple way to get our expectations more in tune with reality.
• Each person will brainstorm everything they want in their life and write it down. Think at least five to ten years into the future. The list should include dreams, aspirations, where you want to live, kids…… Don’t worry about having the same system or ranking process. It will add a little more excitement and anticipation. Also, let the process have some time. It may take a week or more to come up with a good list you feel is complete.
• After you’ve both completed your lists, pick a time to come together and talk. You’ll need a couple of hours, preferably in a place with no distractions.
• Now each person will take a turn talking about how they made their list and what it contains. This is a good time to practice just listening. Interrupt only when you need some clarity.
• Next, make a list of the things you both wanted and the things you differed on. They will come in handy later.
• Now, after everything is out in the open and both of you feel content with what you’ve said you’ll want to start positive. You can do this by picking a few of your similarities to talk about first. This will start everything on a positive uplifting tone. Don’t talk about all of you’re commonalities in the beginning, save some for the end so you’ll also finish on a positive note.
• Next, talk about all of the things that you differ on and why. It’s really important to be open and positive at this point because this is how you update expectations.
• Last, talk about the rest of the ideas and plans you have in common. The commonalities are the positive ideas you’ll want to center yourself on. The rest will need time and more thought to work over.
• Repeat at least once a year.
Now that you’ve updated your expectations, you’ll be able to build a stronger foundation on the similarities, work on the differences and avoid unnecessary surprises. Reflection is the key. You can’t expect anyone to know what you want unless you know first.
The one thing you can expect from any relationship is change. Embrace it with communication.
-Brett
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